Be the change

 

Thank you daily prompt for these beautiful words.   

This is my brand new blog site devoted to a year of targeting and repairing my misconceptions of trust, men, intimate relationships and marriage.  

I am determined to get to the bottom of why I fail so miserably  in the above areas. Maybe it’s not really failure at all…maybe I refuse to live a life wanting more…I deserve a man to be true to me.   Whatever the reason…I will find it and correct it.  By the end of 2015 I am determined to have a mended heart and hopefully love again, freely trusting and open to trying again.  Is this even possible?  Do I have such a chip on my shoulder now that I will never be the gullible girl any longer?   Half of my life has been spent dating and working on relationships that never panned out to be the Life long partner I’ve always wanted.  

So yes….I’m going to be the change that I  need to be…Join me?   

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/be-the-change/

Here I go! First day of 2015…

I’m so glad 2015 is here!   I experienced a lot of ups and downs last year but one of the main things I realized is that I need to take some time for myself.

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Time to figure out why I always end up on the short stick when it comes to relationships.  This blog is specifically meant to record my strategies and feelings as I travel through this year.  I’m hoping to be in a much better place by 2016, Mentally and physically.

My first challenge is… I am going to increase my physical activity.   I’m 54 years old, I’ve already done the gym thing, the aerobics classes, Zumba etc.  I was even a dance teacher for years but now,  I want to have fun while getting some exercise.   My last relationship with Jack was a wonderful experience.  One of the things we loved to do together is ride bikes. We rode downtown, at the beach, around neighborhoods etc.    So,  I went for my first bike ride today in almost a year  around the neighborhood of my new guy friend.  I went alone and it was refreshing and melancholy at the same time.

A few more things I’m going to accomplish during this year is to get more organized.  I am an artist in my spare time and I dream of quitting my day job  to paint and create full-time.  A single woman with a mediocre income cannot possibly make it  by selling a painting every once in a while.  This brings me to another  goal this year… Grow my business.  Paint, market my work  and paint some more!

The most important goal of mine is make my heart whole again.   During my last breakup with Jack 10 months ago, I lost something.  I lost a big chunk of my heart… I have no more faith that there are any good men out there.  I finally do not see relationships through rose-colored glasses any longer.   I doubt that I will ever get married again.  I can’t lose the only piece of my heart that remains.  I’m currently dating a terrific guy.  I have no reason to question his motives at all… But it’s hard for me to put my guard down. I can’t seem to see a future with a man or count on promises.  To me, promises are usually broken.  I don’t want to feel this way… I want to trust and believe… This is my journey.

If you have things that need working on in your life, I invite you to follow my blog.  We can do this together.

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Becoming better today than yesterday!

Happy new year, a better life and healthier mindset!

 

Retrospect

I’m on a mission… A journey to the depths of my heart, so to speak.

Looking back over my years I see a generally good life. I’ve been blessed with family and friends that mean the world to me.   This blog is my examination of my inner soul and repairing my heart.   You see, my faith in men has crumbled.  My faith in a secure relationship has  been torn over and over again.  Getting a divorce after  twenty years of marriage  forced me into an independent lifestyle that I really didn’t want.

As  a child I believed marriage was forever.  My parents and grandparents stayed married until death.  No one explained to me that I may end up a divorced single mother.   Overwhelmed, scared and very resentful I made my way ever so slowly, getting used to being alone.

Being a very sensitive person to begin with doesn’t help much… There were days I just didn’t think I was strong enough to get through. This is when I had to dig in harder and respond to each challenge..  I was forty with two teenage daughters struggling to make it work.  These were years of sadness, resentment, anxiety and aloneness.

Over the last 14 years I married and divorced again, had several serious relationships, all ending for one reason or another.   My last relationship ended 8 months ago.  My heart was shattered. Three years with a man I loved and felt was my best friend.  I was so happy and I really thought, he was my forever partner in life.

Now I have to heal.. Or at least try to repair my faith.  I’ve tried to date.  I’ve even met a wonderful man who I enjoy spending time with.  But my heart feels like a cold stone.  I can’t take down my guard, I can’t open up my heart fully.   I’ve even began thinking that maybe it’s best to be single…for the rest of my life. ( I really don’t mind being alone. ) just so my heart never hurts like that again.

So here I go… Into 2015… At 54 years young. Ready to do whatever it takes to believe that true love can be  possible.

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Out with the old, in with the new

Preparing for the transition, slowly rationalizing the things about myself that need attention and knowing what my goals are.

Beginning on  January 1st Will you join me in becoming better today than yesterday?  Looking deep within our hearts and souls for the questions we must ask ourselves then find the answers that will lead us on the journey of our dreams.

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