I think I can write now…

I think I can write now.

 As I sit here and stare at the blank document on my ipad, I’m not sure how to begin. First of all I’d like to apologize to those that followed my blog because I’ve been MIA (missing in action) for the past year. Honestly… I just couldn’t write. I thought about it, but never did.   
This blog was supposed to be about my recovery from the worst case of broken hearted ness I’ve ever experienced. I had plans to document my journey into picking up the pieces of my life again. I just couldn’t write. I put every ounce of energy into my art. Painting helps me to think and decipher all the details plus it helps me to forget everything. I also poured energy into my house. I had almost entirely moved out and let things go around here to be with the man I was so in love with.  
I think I can write now. 

  

It’s been well over a year. I lost my best friend, my significant other, my lover and my dreams. I’m better now. The thought of him only crosses my mind a few times a day and I’ve started meeting other men. Nothing compares to him though. 
I hear people say “everything happens for a reason”. Really? Where’s my reason?  
I will be turning 55 next month. I live alone and it’s scary to think how much I’m liking it. The privacy and being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Still… I long for a wonderful relationship… It just seems to escape me.  
How to heal from a broken heart? How to learn to trust again? How to be vulnerable again? I will admit that I have my heart locked so it can’t be hurt like that again. I can’t go through that again. I almost got a tattoo last year of a heart with chains around it to always remind me to never open up like that again. I’m not a tattoo person so I didn’t get it. But it’s locked and it will take a special man to unlock it. I’m too old for these kinds of games and I’m tired.  

  

So… I think I can write again.  
I promise… I will continue to write and I will continue to be hopeful. This blog will reveal my thoughts while I travel through life pursuing my dreams of painting and selling my art. I wouldn’t mind meeting the man of my dreams either.  
To my readers. Thank you for being so patient.  I leave you with a beautiful photo of the area I live… I hope you enjoy

Much peace,

Sherry

  

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Accepting things the way they are.

This blog is about healing my heart.  Finding the broken pieces and trying to put them together again.  Like a puzzle I search for the missing pieces and figure out where it goes to fit together.

I am fifty-four years old and I’ve had one broken relationship after another.  I was in a long marriage with the father of my daughters. I thought I loved him at the time but I was so young that now looking back, I didn’t have a clue.  It was not the kind, supporting, loving type of marriage I’ve always dreamed of.

I seem to date men for a certain amount of time and end up getting hurt.  I am a very sensitive person and I tend to believe what people tell me.  Now I’m thinking this is a recipe for disaster.  I’ve taken others advice and stayed single to “find” myself.  I’ve listened to my friends, read countless self-help books and I’ve been told that I have a very sensible head on my shoulders.  So WHY can I not find a man who I’m crazy about that doesn’t end up ripping my heart to shreds?

My last relationship lasted three years…It was the ultimate relationship in every way. I was committed, I believed him and I put everything on the line.  He broke my heart…suddenly.  Its been a year now and I still hurt from this.   I miss him and everything my life was with him.

Currently I’m seeing a very nice man….WHY can’t I feel for him what I felt for the last guy?LOVE is the most confusing four letter word I’ve ever known.  Is it that soul piercing feeling that swallows you whole and you would do anything for?  or…Is it the boring but I’ll always be there for you feeling?   WHY can’t I have both?  the in-love feeling with the security feeling?

I may sound all consumed with this…and maybe in a way, I am.  I am truly a happy person in all areas except for this one little relationship area.  My biggest question today is…Do I continue dating the sweet, mellow, honest man who I’m dating now and try to work out the things I see wrong with him…(little things like, talking to much about himself, not being romantic, not wanting to do much out of his comfort zone.)  Or, do I give up on him and continue looking?

My heart hurts one day and feels better the next.  It’s definitely an out of control situation.  If you have any suggestions for me they would be greatly appreciated!

Uggghhh, I can’t imagine starting to get to know another man all over again….I am one tired lady and not in the mood to “date.”  again.    I can’t imagine the alternative though.

Spending time with me.

As I write this post on my iPad, I am in my woman cave. Actually it’s my art studio but it’s also my getting away space. I can spend days in here and never come out.  I love being creative and getting excited about a project.   One of my goals is to retire from my day job so I can create art full-time.  That goal may take a while but I’m not giving up.  .

 

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As I’ve stated in my previous post, this blog is to keep me accountable on my desire to mend my heart.  In order to do this I’ve deliberately made a point to spend  a lot of time alone over the holidays.  Part of healing is reflection.  Looking back over the years and thinking through my past relationships.

I’ve had a successful life, I’ve owned a dance studio for many years, raised a family, have an interesting job and I’m blessed now to have four beautiful grandchildren.  The one thing I’ve yet to accomplish is a successful, loving marriage.  I divorced after twenty-one years and I’ve had several long-term relationships.

My last relationship has been the most difficult to get over.  I have many emotions as I think over the three years we were together.  I felt so bonded to him, we were inseparable and I thought we were perfect together.  I’ve been lied too, cheated on and emotionally stomped on by most men in my life.  This is the reason for the cold heart.  I feel like I’ve been hurt so bad that I will never be the same again.  I will never love again the way I loved Jack.  A year has gone by and I still miss him. I never got the closure I needed and it never ceases to amaze me how people can turn their back on you and never look back.

I don’t think I can do it again… The dating process, getting to know another man. I’m tired and I just don’t care anymore. I’m fifty-four years old and have grand children for God’s sake!

This is why I’m in my new cave, after work on a Monday evening… Alone, but certainly not lonely! The only person that can make me happy is me. I’m finding happiness, in my art.

If you are traveling through a year of changing or accepting something in your life… You need a cave, a place to call your own. It doesn’t have to be an art studio, it can be a corner somewhere in your home or guys, in your garage or shed. Make a wonderful place that you love. Learn to be alone but not lonely, learn to comfort yourself and love what you do.

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