I think I can write now…

I think I can write now.

 As I sit here and stare at the blank document on my ipad, I’m not sure how to begin. First of all I’d like to apologize to those that followed my blog because I’ve been MIA (missing in action) for the past year. Honestly… I just couldn’t write. I thought about it, but never did.   
This blog was supposed to be about my recovery from the worst case of broken hearted ness I’ve ever experienced. I had plans to document my journey into picking up the pieces of my life again. I just couldn’t write. I put every ounce of energy into my art. Painting helps me to think and decipher all the details plus it helps me to forget everything. I also poured energy into my house. I had almost entirely moved out and let things go around here to be with the man I was so in love with.  
I think I can write now. 

  

It’s been well over a year. I lost my best friend, my significant other, my lover and my dreams. I’m better now. The thought of him only crosses my mind a few times a day and I’ve started meeting other men. Nothing compares to him though. 
I hear people say “everything happens for a reason”. Really? Where’s my reason?  
I will be turning 55 next month. I live alone and it’s scary to think how much I’m liking it. The privacy and being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Still… I long for a wonderful relationship… It just seems to escape me.  
How to heal from a broken heart? How to learn to trust again? How to be vulnerable again? I will admit that I have my heart locked so it can’t be hurt like that again. I can’t go through that again. I almost got a tattoo last year of a heart with chains around it to always remind me to never open up like that again. I’m not a tattoo person so I didn’t get it. But it’s locked and it will take a special man to unlock it. I’m too old for these kinds of games and I’m tired.  

  

So… I think I can write again.  
I promise… I will continue to write and I will continue to be hopeful. This blog will reveal my thoughts while I travel through life pursuing my dreams of painting and selling my art. I wouldn’t mind meeting the man of my dreams either.  
To my readers. Thank you for being so patient.  I leave you with a beautiful photo of the area I live… I hope you enjoy

Much peace,

Sherry

  

Accepting things the way they are.

This blog is about healing my heart.  Finding the broken pieces and trying to put them together again.  Like a puzzle I search for the missing pieces and figure out where it goes to fit together.

I am fifty-four years old and I’ve had one broken relationship after another.  I was in a long marriage with the father of my daughters. I thought I loved him at the time but I was so young that now looking back, I didn’t have a clue.  It was not the kind, supporting, loving type of marriage I’ve always dreamed of.

I seem to date men for a certain amount of time and end up getting hurt.  I am a very sensitive person and I tend to believe what people tell me.  Now I’m thinking this is a recipe for disaster.  I’ve taken others advice and stayed single to “find” myself.  I’ve listened to my friends, read countless self-help books and I’ve been told that I have a very sensible head on my shoulders.  So WHY can I not find a man who I’m crazy about that doesn’t end up ripping my heart to shreds?

My last relationship lasted three years…It was the ultimate relationship in every way. I was committed, I believed him and I put everything on the line.  He broke my heart…suddenly.  Its been a year now and I still hurt from this.   I miss him and everything my life was with him.

Currently I’m seeing a very nice man….WHY can’t I feel for him what I felt for the last guy?LOVE is the most confusing four letter word I’ve ever known.  Is it that soul piercing feeling that swallows you whole and you would do anything for?  or…Is it the boring but I’ll always be there for you feeling?   WHY can’t I have both?  the in-love feeling with the security feeling?

I may sound all consumed with this…and maybe in a way, I am.  I am truly a happy person in all areas except for this one little relationship area.  My biggest question today is…Do I continue dating the sweet, mellow, honest man who I’m dating now and try to work out the things I see wrong with him…(little things like, talking to much about himself, not being romantic, not wanting to do much out of his comfort zone.)  Or, do I give up on him and continue looking?

My heart hurts one day and feels better the next.  It’s definitely an out of control situation.  If you have any suggestions for me they would be greatly appreciated!

Uggghhh, I can’t imagine starting to get to know another man all over again….I am one tired lady and not in the mood to “date.”  again.    I can’t imagine the alternative though.

Spending time with me.

As I write this post on my iPad, I am in my woman cave. Actually it’s my art studio but it’s also my getting away space. I can spend days in here and never come out.  I love being creative and getting excited about a project.   One of my goals is to retire from my day job so I can create art full-time.  That goal may take a while but I’m not giving up.  .

 

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As I’ve stated in my previous post, this blog is to keep me accountable on my desire to mend my heart.  In order to do this I’ve deliberately made a point to spend  a lot of time alone over the holidays.  Part of healing is reflection.  Looking back over the years and thinking through my past relationships.

I’ve had a successful life, I’ve owned a dance studio for many years, raised a family, have an interesting job and I’m blessed now to have four beautiful grandchildren.  The one thing I’ve yet to accomplish is a successful, loving marriage.  I divorced after twenty-one years and I’ve had several long-term relationships.

My last relationship has been the most difficult to get over.  I have many emotions as I think over the three years we were together.  I felt so bonded to him, we were inseparable and I thought we were perfect together.  I’ve been lied too, cheated on and emotionally stomped on by most men in my life.  This is the reason for the cold heart.  I feel like I’ve been hurt so bad that I will never be the same again.  I will never love again the way I loved Jack.  A year has gone by and I still miss him. I never got the closure I needed and it never ceases to amaze me how people can turn their back on you and never look back.

I don’t think I can do it again… The dating process, getting to know another man. I’m tired and I just don’t care anymore. I’m fifty-four years old and have grand children for God’s sake!

This is why I’m in my new cave, after work on a Monday evening… Alone, but certainly not lonely! The only person that can make me happy is me. I’m finding happiness, in my art.

If you are traveling through a year of changing or accepting something in your life… You need a cave, a place to call your own. It doesn’t have to be an art studio, it can be a corner somewhere in your home or guys, in your garage or shed. Make a wonderful place that you love. Learn to be alone but not lonely, learn to comfort yourself and love what you do.

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Be the change

 

Thank you daily prompt for these beautiful words.   

This is my brand new blog site devoted to a year of targeting and repairing my misconceptions of trust, men, intimate relationships and marriage.  

I am determined to get to the bottom of why I fail so miserably  in the above areas. Maybe it’s not really failure at all…maybe I refuse to live a life wanting more…I deserve a man to be true to me.   Whatever the reason…I will find it and correct it.  By the end of 2015 I am determined to have a mended heart and hopefully love again, freely trusting and open to trying again.  Is this even possible?  Do I have such a chip on my shoulder now that I will never be the gullible girl any longer?   Half of my life has been spent dating and working on relationships that never panned out to be the Life long partner I’ve always wanted.  

So yes….I’m going to be the change that I  need to be…Join me?   

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/be-the-change/

Here I go! First day of 2015…

I’m so glad 2015 is here!   I experienced a lot of ups and downs last year but one of the main things I realized is that I need to take some time for myself.

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Time to figure out why I always end up on the short stick when it comes to relationships.  This blog is specifically meant to record my strategies and feelings as I travel through this year.  I’m hoping to be in a much better place by 2016, Mentally and physically.

My first challenge is… I am going to increase my physical activity.   I’m 54 years old, I’ve already done the gym thing, the aerobics classes, Zumba etc.  I was even a dance teacher for years but now,  I want to have fun while getting some exercise.   My last relationship with Jack was a wonderful experience.  One of the things we loved to do together is ride bikes. We rode downtown, at the beach, around neighborhoods etc.    So,  I went for my first bike ride today in almost a year  around the neighborhood of my new guy friend.  I went alone and it was refreshing and melancholy at the same time.

A few more things I’m going to accomplish during this year is to get more organized.  I am an artist in my spare time and I dream of quitting my day job  to paint and create full-time.  A single woman with a mediocre income cannot possibly make it  by selling a painting every once in a while.  This brings me to another  goal this year… Grow my business.  Paint, market my work  and paint some more!

The most important goal of mine is make my heart whole again.   During my last breakup with Jack 10 months ago, I lost something.  I lost a big chunk of my heart… I have no more faith that there are any good men out there.  I finally do not see relationships through rose-colored glasses any longer.   I doubt that I will ever get married again.  I can’t lose the only piece of my heart that remains.  I’m currently dating a terrific guy.  I have no reason to question his motives at all… But it’s hard for me to put my guard down. I can’t seem to see a future with a man or count on promises.  To me, promises are usually broken.  I don’t want to feel this way… I want to trust and believe… This is my journey.

If you have things that need working on in your life, I invite you to follow my blog.  We can do this together.

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Becoming better today than yesterday!

Happy new year, a better life and healthier mindset!

 

Retrospect

I’m on a mission… A journey to the depths of my heart, so to speak.

Looking back over my years I see a generally good life. I’ve been blessed with family and friends that mean the world to me.   This blog is my examination of my inner soul and repairing my heart.   You see, my faith in men has crumbled.  My faith in a secure relationship has  been torn over and over again.  Getting a divorce after  twenty years of marriage  forced me into an independent lifestyle that I really didn’t want.

As  a child I believed marriage was forever.  My parents and grandparents stayed married until death.  No one explained to me that I may end up a divorced single mother.   Overwhelmed, scared and very resentful I made my way ever so slowly, getting used to being alone.

Being a very sensitive person to begin with doesn’t help much… There were days I just didn’t think I was strong enough to get through. This is when I had to dig in harder and respond to each challenge..  I was forty with two teenage daughters struggling to make it work.  These were years of sadness, resentment, anxiety and aloneness.

Over the last 14 years I married and divorced again, had several serious relationships, all ending for one reason or another.   My last relationship ended 8 months ago.  My heart was shattered. Three years with a man I loved and felt was my best friend.  I was so happy and I really thought, he was my forever partner in life.

Now I have to heal.. Or at least try to repair my faith.  I’ve tried to date.  I’ve even met a wonderful man who I enjoy spending time with.  But my heart feels like a cold stone.  I can’t take down my guard, I can’t open up my heart fully.   I’ve even began thinking that maybe it’s best to be single…for the rest of my life. ( I really don’t mind being alone. ) just so my heart never hurts like that again.

So here I go… Into 2015… At 54 years young. Ready to do whatever it takes to believe that true love can be  possible.

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Out with the old, in with the new

Preparing for the transition, slowly rationalizing the things about myself that need attention and knowing what my goals are.

Beginning on  January 1st Will you join me in becoming better today than yesterday?  Looking deep within our hearts and souls for the questions we must ask ourselves then find the answers that will lead us on the journey of our dreams.

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