Accepting things the way they are.

This blog is about healing my heart.  Finding the broken pieces and trying to put them together again.  Like a puzzle I search for the missing pieces and figure out where it goes to fit together.

I am fifty-four years old and I’ve had one broken relationship after another.  I was in a long marriage with the father of my daughters. I thought I loved him at the time but I was so young that now looking back, I didn’t have a clue.  It was not the kind, supporting, loving type of marriage I’ve always dreamed of.

I seem to date men for a certain amount of time and end up getting hurt.  I am a very sensitive person and I tend to believe what people tell me.  Now I’m thinking this is a recipe for disaster.  I’ve taken others advice and stayed single to “find” myself.  I’ve listened to my friends, read countless self-help books and I’ve been told that I have a very sensible head on my shoulders.  So WHY can I not find a man who I’m crazy about that doesn’t end up ripping my heart to shreds?

My last relationship lasted three years…It was the ultimate relationship in every way. I was committed, I believed him and I put everything on the line.  He broke my heart…suddenly.  Its been a year now and I still hurt from this.   I miss him and everything my life was with him.

Currently I’m seeing a very nice man….WHY can’t I feel for him what I felt for the last guy?LOVE is the most confusing four letter word I’ve ever known.  Is it that soul piercing feeling that swallows you whole and you would do anything for?  or…Is it the boring but I’ll always be there for you feeling?   WHY can’t I have both?  the in-love feeling with the security feeling?

I may sound all consumed with this…and maybe in a way, I am.  I am truly a happy person in all areas except for this one little relationship area.  My biggest question today is…Do I continue dating the sweet, mellow, honest man who I’m dating now and try to work out the things I see wrong with him…(little things like, talking to much about himself, not being romantic, not wanting to do much out of his comfort zone.)  Or, do I give up on him and continue looking?

My heart hurts one day and feels better the next.  It’s definitely an out of control situation.  If you have any suggestions for me they would be greatly appreciated!

Uggghhh, I can’t imagine starting to get to know another man all over again….I am one tired lady and not in the mood to “date.”  again.    I can’t imagine the alternative though.


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